MORE things they’d arrest you for in the suburbs.

On Friday I blogged about hookers. Specifically, how do my husband & I drive them from our block back into the darkened alleyways from whence they sprang? Hayden mentioned SIGNS, Curly suggested an AIRHORN. Both excellent ideas, but of course the airhorn has won my heart b/c it is WAY LOUD. Unfortunately as I was waaay too busy this glorious weekend to buy an airhorn, I am hoping Curly will be a love and send me hers. THANKS IN ADVANCE, BABE!! I promise to think of you each time I interrupt coitus w/ a blast from your horn.

All this talk of hookers has reminded me of another post I wrote a while back, describing other Quality of Life issues we’ve experienced living here in Philly. So I figured – Hey, IT’S MONDAY. It’s gray and cloudy & Blah. Why not spice up the crapfest that is The Start of the Workweek w/ MORE weird tales?? YAY!

11) Years ago my sister rented an apartment just off Rittenhouse Square, a wealthy part of Philly. Her only issue there was walking her dogs – at the time, 2 rescued greyhounds. Her one dog was fine when it came to letting fly; she’d go anywhere. Unfortunately her other dog had been severely abused at the track and was so skittish she couldn’t potty without privacy. A pretty tall order in the middle of the city. My sister ended up walking the dogs through a labyrinth of darkened alleyways three times a day. Not enticing. and even less so when she began discovering mounds of human feces along the way. So much for hoity-toity.

12) One night years ago, I went out to meet friends. At the end of the night, I walked back to my car and noticed the window of my jeep hanging open. DAMN! what’d they steal this time? Strangely, nothing. But someone had decided to sit inside consuming an entire six pack of beer. Leaving the empties. How nice.

13) I met a guy when I was 19. He was older, foreign, went to PENN. I wasn’t attracted to him in the least, but he was so dogged persistent I finally gave him my number just to shut him up. LEARN FROM MY STUPIDITY. For weeks this dude would call my parents’ house, leaving messages on the machine, and if I ever mistakenly answered the phone – that’s right, inevitably him. Initially I was polite. Quickly that disintegrated into downright hostility. I’d never met anyone so overbearing, arrogant and aggressive. Everything about him screamed I AM A RAPIST. Finally I’D HAD ENOUGH, and in no uncertain terms told this guy that I was never ever EVER in my life going to go out with him. I ended with LOSE MY NUMBER! & slammed down the phone. I kid you not, this clueless jackass called back 5 minutes later to ask when we were going to meet. Shortly thereafter I moved into my first apartment. Somehow dude got my new number and began calling. I started sleeping up the street at a friend’s. FINALLY finally, he stopped calling. Perhaps he’d been deported.

14) I was driving to school one day behind a big old beater. Suddenly the driver rolls down his window and tosses out – not just a cup, not just a napkin, but a WHOLE F*CKING CHICKEN DINNER. Jumbo bucket with assorted bits, biscuits, the whole damn thing. Bones flying everywhere. I was so shocked I nearly rear-ended him.

15) Years ago, my husband worked as a manager at a bookstore in 30th Street (the main train station here in Philly). One night after closing, he went to get a drink at the public water fountain. when he sensed someone standing right behind him. He spun round to find a homeless guy inches from his face. My husband took off. The man, enraged over something, began coming at him, swinging an enormous bag filled with (it turned out) heavy glass bottles. He flung the bag at my husband. Fortunately it missed him, but crashed to the ground, bottles shattering everywhere. My husband scrambled to find the box cutter he kept on him for work – finally pulling it out of his pocket and threatening the guy to back off. At the sight of the cutter, the man stopped and just walked away.

16) One night in college, I was out at a dive bar with friends. The place was packed. We were lucky enough to get a table and pretty soon a couple guys asked if they could join us. We spent the next few hours boozing with these new “friends,” one of whom was an extremely effeminate dog-groomer. I’ll never forget him. Not only was he a good laugh, but at some point during the night he STOLE MY WALLET.

17) When I lived with my parents, I had to drive to and from the city, 30 minutes, each way. And YES, it got old real fast. I used to see a panhandler at a particular intersection almost daily, who w/out fail would give me the same line. His wife – at that very moment – was giving birth to their child in the alley behind the car dealership, and if I could please spare 50 cents, it would surely mean the difference between life & death. He was so damn earnest about the whole thing, I gave him money. But after a dozen kids, it was just plain insulting.

18) Years ago, there was a guy who lived on Rittenhouse Square called Fast Eddie (same nickname as Philly’s former mayor (now PA governor) but a different guy altogether). THIS Eddie had a distinctly disturbing addiction to used underwear (aka, poopie pants), and would solicit purchase in the park from desirable candidates (aka, young boys). He was ultimately arrested and charged with a whole host of crimes involving minors and deviant sexual acts. A FORTUNATE THING for many inner-city boys. Unfortunately, a guy I once liked confessed he’d sold a pair of his boxers to Eddie for cash. We remained “just friends” .

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