SICK DAY

My kids are home sick.  YEP.  Both of them.  Home.  WITH ME. Allllllll daaaaayy looooong.  Of course they’re not sick enough to stop fighting or asking to go to the playground. This morning they were plenty well enough to fly out the door to the front porch and start digging in their beloved dirt bowls.  When I suggested they put their clothes on and return to school, they of course started coughing and immediately came back inside.  Now they are wrestling on the couch and making mouse houses in the living room.  Mouse Houses is code language for tents made out of blankets and sofa cushions.  They like to hang out in there, watching movies on the laptop.  One of the tents is the “library” where they rent the movies.  The other is the theater.  As long as they’re not beating the hell out of each other, fine by me.

SO. Day Two of Sick Fest.  TWO DAYS.  If that isn’t enough to make you reach for the theraflu, nothing is.  Unfortunately I hate that stuff.  HATE IT.  Unless it says 100 proof w/ a skull and crossbones on the label, then it’s just wasting my time.  But yesterday. I had to do something.  By 10 am the ladies – sick or not – were going fisticuffs, my throat felt like hamburger and my sanity was waning.  I resorted to the only homeopathic treatment available.  Tea w/ honey?  A steamy hot bath?  NO.  2 pepsi throwbacks and hope for the best.  Fortunately I fell asleep.  Unfortunately, I feel asleep face down into the pillow with the bird on my head.  By mid-afternoon when I awoke, the duvet cover was unmentionable and I will not comment on the state of my hair.  From now on I’m sticking to alcohol.

I spent the remainder of yesterday finishing a wonderful book (THE HUNGRY OCEAN by Linda Greenlaw) and browsing the AS SEEN ON TV website.  The former was excellent, the latter not so much.  But both were remarkably entertaining.  Just look at some of what I found.

doesthisdoglookpissedorwhat

I have no idea why that image IS SOOOOOO DARN LONG EITHER!!!! BUT if that dog isn’t thinking JUST YOU WAIT, BUDDY I don’t know what’s what.  And I’d be pissed too! if some crazy human made ME pose w/ a big bag of crap dangling just inches from my face.

Look at this poor woman.

arctic_tie_thumb

The ARCTIC TIE promises INSTANT RELIEF FROM THE HEAT.  HEAT KILLS!  STAY COOL

Frankly folks, if it was a choice between life w/ the bandana necktie or death by heat – you KNOW which one I’m picking.  Plus, after watching that Independent Lens special last night on gang warfare, I was reminded of the whole “Colors” thing – you know, the Crips vs. the Bloods, Blue Vs. Red.  What if you stumbled into the wrong turf with the wrong color dingus lasso round your neck?  That could get ugly.

hearttops

BOY-YOING-YOING!  Welcome to the advert for HEART TOPS Nipple Covers.  NOW. I don’t know about YOU, but it sure makes ME feel more secure knowing I can buy stickers for my nipples.  I MEAN there is such a thing as SHOWING TOO MUCH in this day and age.  When I go topless, sometimes I feel a bit self-conscious.  Or when I’m wearing one of those painted-on shirts, YOU KNOW, the ones that leave the hooter horns on high alert ALL DAY LONG, sometimes I feel… well, a bit embarrassed.  BUT Having those heart-shaped nipple stickers!  WHAT A LIFESAVER!! 

BZ

The AMAZING handheld Bug ZAPPER! Environmentally safe… UNLESS YOU’RE A BUG! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHH!!!!!!!!  Oh. wait.  They’re serious. The Bug Zapper electrified tennis racket kills on contact.  FUN, SAFE, EFFECTIVE.  BOY THERE”S SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS.  I can’t WAIT to see what kind of litigation comes out of this one.

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11 thoughts on “SICK DAY

  1. About the Heart Tops… I don’t know if they’re still around, but there was a similar product (just plain old circles, no fancy hearts) called Nippless. I like that name better.

    Oh, and while the dog in the cartoon is smiling, the foxhound in the photo looks far from happy, just as your title suggests. The word I’m thinking of is “undignified.”

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  2. Dishy, Dishy, what to say…

    What happens to all that bagged up poop that people in cities put in the garbage…are the little bags biodegradable(sp)? I would have to find woods…of course you could just teach the dog to use the toilet….pet outhouses, now there’s an invention!!! That dog looks like he is thinking…YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT????

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  3. Thanks Davis! Your post on spilling pepsi and being yelled at by your wife was v. funny too. Good luck!

    Panny – I think I’ve heard of Nippless. A MUCH better name than – ummmm… uhh…what was it again? Oh yes. Heart Tops. BTW, Heart Tops also makes Petal Tops. Flower shaped nips sticks. WOWOOWOWOW!!!
    NOW THERE”S A GOOD NAME!!! NIPS STICKS! SOmeone – send me money! Quick!

    Hayden, I hereby promote you to BUG ZAPPER TESTEE EXTRAORDINAIRE!! Just let me make sure they cost less than Panny’s aerogarden. PS: sorry again about the bush shaver. xo

    Connie dahhhhling.. I had the VERY same thoughts w/ regard to that poor poor dog. It tok me like 5 minutes to even decipher HOW to use the gizmo. And THIS coming from a woman who already ties her (cheap plastic Hannford) bags to her own dog’s leash — BUT WELLLLLLLL WELLLLLLLLLL FARRRRRRRR away from his head. B/c I love my dog. and don’t want to humiliate him. And he weighs 150 lbs and could rip me a new one if I ever even THOUGHT of doing otherwise. NOT that I ever would. PS: I never doubted you baby. Thanks!! Glad to hear you’re well – you had it bad for a while there. Poor thing. The ladies must be feeling your well wishes, they’ve reached full throttle mode.

    SOMEONE SEND CHOCOLATE CAKE SOON (for me) and SEDATIVES (for the children) –

    MANY THANKS!

    PPS: I miss Curly. Wonder how she’s doing.

    HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHH

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  4. Yeah, I don’t know if I’m the only person in the world who has um, sensitivity issues, but those “modesty” things… that’s a two fold problem.
    1) sensitive to adhesive (no, seriously, band-aids take a few layers of skin, thus leaving a red patch)
    2) I am not sticking anything to my nips. While I’m sure/hoping the centers aren’t sticky, just, ow…

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  5. Um…I guess you girls don’t know about the stickers you have to put on for a mammogram! LOL I walked around all day trying to figure out what was irritating me.

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  6. MTAE – you sensitive man, you.

    Bouncy – you sensitive woman, you.

    Curly, hope your dangler is now right as rain.

    Oh BOY Connie — As if a colonoscopy wasn’t enough, now something MORE to look forward to!

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