Love with a side of Mayo.

When I met my husband it was love at first sight. Even though we were very different people from very different backgrounds, we didn’t care. Like a monster truck roaring down the highway, tossing rational thought to the backseat and empty beer cans out the windows, our love was YEEEEHHAAAWWW!!! Days flew into weeks, weeks into months, and before we knew it, we were getting married. Yet despite our commitment there remains one fundamental difference between my husband and I. Something few couples can resolve without tension, especially when children come along.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but for years I’ve tried to convert him. I know it’s wrong to foist your opinions onto anyone – let alone the person you hold most dear. But I simply can’t understand why he doesn’t feel the same way I do. How he can’t see the beauty in the light! The purity, the wholesomeness. The divine deliciousness of mayonnaise. That cloudlike concoction of whipped oil and egg, the condiment that elevates a humble sandwich to celestial heights. You wouldn’t think something so creamy could be so divisive. But when a person has devoted years of their life to something as important as a choice of condiment, it’s bound to cause trouble when the spouse isn’t on board. The problem? My husband HATES mayo. And I’m a homeowner on Hellmann’s Hill.

Ooooh how I LOVE mayonnaise! And have for as long as I can remember. The look of it, the smell of it, the touch and taste of it brushing past my lips to my tongue. Just thinking about it now is making my mouth water. Even on my low sodium diet, I simply cannot say no. I know I should, I try to limit my consumption. But whereas normal people keep a normal size jar in the fridge, this is how I roll:

GALLON SIZE, BABY!

Now don’t be a hater. If you, like my husband, don’t feel mayonnaise is pure ecstasy, that’s okay by me. Feel free to pass that little plastic cup of yours on over. I like EXTRA. When our daughters came along I wondered on which side of the fence they’d fall. And as luck would have it, we got one of each. My older daughter hates mayo with a passion. My younger eats mayonnaise sandwiches: mayo and bread. She may even like mayonnaise slightly more than me, but as a fellow devotee, I understand.

The reason I am writing this mayo post is NOT b/c we are out of mayo. Heaven forbid! No, we restocked last month and we’ve still got a little ways to go:

It’s because of this mayo “issue” between my husband and I. You see, he’s a mustard man. I like mustard, really I do, but it’s not mayo. And even though I know my husband detests mayonnaise, I am constantly trying to get him to fall in love with it like I am. So I try to slip it in things when he’s not paying attention. Today he caught me fixing some sandwiches for him and spreading the rye bread with mayo. Just a thin spread – almost undetectable – and only on the one slice, but he caught me. And yelled. And then stormed out the door. When he came back in I made my “sad face” at him and apologized. He hugged me and said it’s frustrating not being able to eat a sandwich the way he likes it. Especially when he’s told me, oh, 6,703 times he doesn’t like mayonnaise. But deep down in my heart I just KNOW he’ll love it.. one day.

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38 thoughts on “Love with a side of Mayo.

    1. I buy mayo on sale too! But we eat it in such abundance, it’s typically WAY cheaper to simply buy the gallon sized tubs at BJs.. OOOOH MAYO! As for “The Whip” I can’t say I like it as much as the real deal, but it’s got its appeal too. Perhaps I should get some and do a taste test? πŸ™‚

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  1. The four of us could be sandwich buddies. haha. Like yours, my hubby doesn’t like mayo either. I do, but I’m not a fan of a lot of mustard. A little is OK. Sometimes when I’m feeling extra bold, I’ll mix the two together. Exciting, I know!

    I’m a Kraft Mayonaise girl with the upside down bottle. You win in the container category by the way. πŸ™‚

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    1. Mmmm.. I like mixing mayo and mustard together too. But I really have to be judicious in my selection – on a salt free diet I shouldn’t be eating mayo to begin with, so I try to skip mustard altogether (unless it’s salt free) so I can EAT MAYO. Kraft Mayo.. WOW, I really DO need to do a taste test!! So many to choose from, including store brands. YUM!

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  2. Definitely on John’s side I’m a mustard lover through and through. Here down under people put butter/margarine (pronounced buttA and marjAreen) their sandies, which I think is strange. Neither mayo or mustard get a look in…!

    The upside is they have more room in the fridge compared to our house and WAY more than yours!!!

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    1. Strange that mayo & mustard aren’t more popular in Australia. They strike me as the perfect condiments to eat on pub fare and they go so well w/ beer (esp. mustard.) Tammy, you definitely need to launch the new trend! When I was little my mom (Aunt Linda- hah!) always made us roast beef sandwiches spread thick with butter. I would wolf those puppies down! But just thinking about them now is making my heart work overtime. Butter and fatty meat? Umm… no thanks.

      PS: Our fridge is so big and it’s still on overload! But it’s b/c we dine in every meal – eating out is such a rarity. XOXO

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  3. I grew up in a Hellman’s household. I used to tell people my father had only two criteria for judging people: 1) could they make intelligent conversation and 2) did they use Hellman’s. So it was a shock when my mother decided that her late-in-life diagnosis of diabetes allowed her to get Miracle Whip. Frankly, if she — a lifelong Episcopalian — had started to attend a Pentecostal church I would been just as shocked.

    My husband, born in England, doesn’t love Hellman’s, although he’s not a hater. Sadly, I have to go with the “lite” stuff, at which point the Wegman’s version is good enough. But I bought a small jar of “the hard stuff” — real Hellman’s, full fat! — for a recipe recently, and I’ve been slowly dipping in… I have no will power.

    Our marital Maginot Line is olives: he loves `em and I hate `em. But that’s okay — he just gets extra!

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    1. That’s so funny, Magdalen! Hope it didn’t cause a marital rift between your folks when The Whip was sharing fridge space w/ beloved Helmann’s. BTW that reminds me, I think Helmann’s is called Blue Ribbon best? or something like that out west. But I believe it’s still the same formula. You would know that, having visited all the states! I’ve never been past the Mississippi.

      As for lite mayo — UGH. Not sure how you stomach the stuff. It just doesn’t taste the same as the full fat. After being diagnosed w/ Meniere’s I found a brand of mayo that was salt free, but I think it’s been discontinued. It tasted awful, so can’t say I’m surprised!

      John also ADORES olives. I like them ok, but have to pass b/c they’re so salty. Besides that salt allotment needs to go to the important stuff. AKA, MAYO!

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  4. i like mayo on certain sandwiches–BLTs or Swiss cheese, fresh tomato, and mayo, turkey or roast beast sandwiches–but not on anything else. My dad is a FOOL for mayo and puts it in almost everything (spaghetti, chili, etc). it’s gross!!! perhaps his love of mayo explains his quadruple bypass in 2003 despite being average height and weight! lol. ant eats mayo on burgers and sometimes even dips his fries into mayo. urk. no thanks!

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  5. Funny! Luckily both my husband and I are mayo folks. And by the way, Hellman’s is called “Best Foods” out here in the Wild West. The jar looks exactly the same except for the name.

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  6. I was FIRMLY in the ‘mustard’ camp because mayo just seemed really gross to me. My husband and brother, both, love them some mayonnaise and I had to relent on my NO-MAYO-IN-MY-HOUSE-EVER policy. However, I have come to appreciate mayo simply because mustard does not work on a BLT. And I LOVE BLTs.

    So I’m ok with a little mayo now, but only if it is accompanied by some stone ground mustardy goodness!

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  7. Natalie remind me – I also love the yellow sauce they serve at latin chicken places and imagine my HORROR when I found out that was ‘mustard mayonnaise’. I can’t not use it because it IS delicious but that made me a little sad in my heart.

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  8. The first time that I encountered mayo was in 1979 whilst engaged upon a winter motorcycle rally in Belgium. The vendor of a french fries stall asked me a question in Dutch. Remembering the old show-biz maxim that one should always answer in the positive, I nodded my head. He then proceeded to dump about a litre of mayo on my carton of chips. I was initially horrified ( I hate salad cream), but I was also revenous. And when I tried it I knew that I would never want tomato ketchup again.

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  9. LOL, I can totally relate. Hubby will only ate a thin line of regular mustard on his sandwiches. I have 6 different mustards, mayo, and three other sandwich spreads in my fridge & I try to sneak some on his sandwiches & get busted all the time by him.

    Even worse, my step-children refuse to use any condiments on anything. Dry burgers, hotdogs, sandwiches, you name it. Who are these mayo and conidment haters? I just can’t comprehend it!

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    1. We could start a whole group called “tubs of fun” but I think we might attract too much untoward attention. XO

      PS: Chocolate and MAYO. That cake could be the very best recipe ever created.

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  10. I’m not a foodie… yet I am a total Mayo snob (it’s about the only product I insist on buying name brand). Before I met my wife I subsided almost exclusively on Egg-salad sandwiches and Ramen Noodles *om nom nom*. In fact, it’s likely my blood type is KC (for Kraft and Cola)! πŸ™‚

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    1. My younger daughter (aka, mayo queen) also is a big fan of egg salad. Me? I pretty much enjoy everything from egg to tuna to chicken, potato, macaroni, yep – any salad showcasing the condiment of choice. MAYO! It’s what’s for dinner.

      PS: love ramen too but unfortunately can’t eat it anymore. Sky high in sodium. Have to give my “allotment” to mayo (**hearts & stars**)

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  11. “…the touch and taste of it brushing past my lips to my tongue.”

    This made me laugh out loud and reminded me of Frank the Tank from Old School: “once it hits your lips, it’s so good!!” Of course, he was referring to beer not mayo, but you get the idea. Your clandestine attempts at introducing mayo into your husband’s food is humorous. I fall on the mustard fence, Plochman’s Natural Stone Ground to be exact. It’s the best, Jerry! The best! OK, now I’m hungry for a ham sandwich.

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  12. Good luck, StageFright! He’s probably slipping some in your coffee while you’re not looking! πŸ˜‰

    Thanks Jim! LOVED reading your male perspective on the spa. Have to agree /w you re: fashion mags. Hate those things, but that’s for another post altogether! Long live Helmanns – I mean Plochmans! LOL

    OOOooohh ournote2self — Thanks so much!!! I AM HONORED. I’ll have to post about this award asap. But have to take the ladies to the movies first. Natives are getting restless!

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  13. Your love story is a delight! My wife and I are also complete opposites. She does not like the sun while I can bask on it the whole day, she loves the mall and I hate it, I like the outdoors and she prefers staying home and watching t.v. But opposites attract like crazy and when you add love in the concoction, it gets to be unbreakable. I think mayo works great on almost anything. One day, your husband may like it too. Best wishes to you and your family.

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    1. Who can explain the chemistry involved when 2 people fall in love? It’s a mystery! Perhaps one day my husband will have an about-face w regard to mayo.. though truth be told, I’m not holding my breath. And it’s actually better this way. I don’t have to share! πŸ˜‰

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